Latex gloves that go up to the armpit are a bad sign
“Professor Parks, my sperm aren’t moving!” Sara looked up from her microscope with anxiety.
Read MoreSlovakia: Mortal fear takes a lot of energy
The cocoa was as thick as a melted candy bar. I looked out the window of the chalet and watched the swirls of snow blow down the steep Slovak mountainside.
Read MoreThe Goys in the South
Cornell University was a fancy place, and, with my baggy basketball shorts and lack of spending money, it made me feel like trash.
Read MoreDogsledding is not a great way to impress guys
"It is quite possible since we will be dogsledding on the Boundary Waters for ten days that the 400 pound sled might fall through,” Brad, our grizzled Outward Bound instructor told us matter-of-factly. “We need to practice an ice rescue while we are at base camp and we can warm people up in the sauna afterwards.” He glanced over the fifteen of us college students warily. “I need two volunteers to jump into the ice so that we can practice a rescue.”
Read MoreFor a Good Time, Wear a Nun's Habit
In the cosmetics section of the CVS, I straightened my nun’s habit. I found the Wet ‘n Wild testers and selected “Fantasy Makers Blue Magic.” Mieko and Alice giggled at me from the Cover Girl section.
“Shhh.”
I uncapped the lipstick. It looked unused, but who knows, it could be covered in herpes. Instead of tracing my lips, I circled them, resulting in looking like the victim of an octopus attack.
Read MoreThong Song Days
Jessica and I faced each other on the dance floor, each with a horny boy attached like a parasite to the butt, grinding away to the thump of “Thong Song.”
Read MoreMy Big Break
In my mind, I was the Jamaican bobsled team.
Read MoreHearing Aids and Trekkie Dreams
When I was in first grade, my classmate Teddy had the coolest hearing aid. It was pointy and it made him look like he was on Star Trek. While all the other kids were working on their penmanship, or eating paste, or doing whatever else first grade kids do, I would just gaze at it and wonder: could he talk to space?
Read MoreTeenie Beanie Shame
Nowadays it’s pretty common to bring cloth bags to the grocery store. In fact, at some fancy stores like Whole Foods you’ll get the stink eye if you don’t bring your own bags. But I grew up in the 90’s in Buffalo, NY where this was not the case. My dad was an environmental engineer and wanted us to avoid waste and extra packaging so he’d insist we’d bring cloth bags to our grocery store. When we got there, the checkout workers would just be confused and look at us like we were crazy, “but we have bags! We have paper and plastic!”
As a twelve-year-old I found this humiliating.
Read MoreSpartacus, the Warrior Fish
I’d like to tell you about a very special fish.
Read MoreSmacked out of Childhood
“Margy and Bri, wanna go on the tire swing with me?” I asked breathlessly. I’d just run to the screened front porch of the cabin after grocery shopping with mom, sure I was missing out.
Read MoreThe Forty-Foot Sword
It was so horribly gross. I couldn’t read this aloud to my Dad.
Read More