I’m No Action Hero
I suspect I am a villain trying to fit into a too-small hero’s costume.
Read MoreOf Wisdom Teeth and Dress Dye: Frugal to a Fault
“By your father’s request, we are going to extract all four of your wisdom teeth in one procedure.” The dentist’s voice was muffled by his white mask, his eyes concerned. That’s a lot of teeth at once.
Read MoreSleep: Confessions of a Former End-Duck
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a terrible sleeper. I’ve been like a prey animal, always on the lookout, unable to fully rest
Read MoreAirport Phobia
"Do you want me to call security?”
Read MoreFor a Good Time, Wear a Nun's Habit
In the cosmetics section of the CVS, I straightened my nun’s habit. I found the Wet ‘n Wild testers and selected “Fantasy Makers Blue Magic.” Mieko and Alice giggled at me from the Cover Girl section.
“Shhh.”
I uncapped the lipstick. It looked unused, but who knows, it could be covered in herpes. Instead of tracing my lips, I circled them, resulting in looking like the victim of an octopus attack.
Read MoreThong Song Days
Jessica and I faced each other on the dance floor, each with a horny boy attached like a parasite to the butt, grinding away to the thump of “Thong Song.”
Read MoreMy Big Break
In my mind, I was the Jamaican bobsled team.
Read MoreHearing Aids and Trekkie Dreams
When I was in first grade, my classmate Teddy had the coolest hearing aid. It was pointy and it made him look like he was on Star Trek. While all the other kids were working on their penmanship, or eating paste, or doing whatever else first grade kids do, I would just gaze at it and wonder: could he talk to space?
Read MoreTeenie Beanie Shame
Nowadays it’s pretty common to bring cloth bags to the grocery store. In fact, at some fancy stores like Whole Foods you’ll get the stink eye if you don’t bring your own bags. But I grew up in the 90’s in Buffalo, NY where this was not the case. My dad was an environmental engineer and wanted us to avoid waste and extra packaging so he’d insist we’d bring cloth bags to our grocery store. When we got there, the checkout workers would just be confused and look at us like we were crazy, “but we have bags! We have paper and plastic!”
As a twelve-year-old I found this humiliating.
Read MoreSpartacus, the Warrior Fish
I’d like to tell you about a very special fish.
Read MoreSmacked out of Childhood
“Margy and Bri, wanna go on the tire swing with me?” I asked breathlessly. I’d just run to the screened front porch of the cabin after grocery shopping with mom, sure I was missing out.
Read MoreThe Forty-Foot Sword
It was so horribly gross. I couldn’t read this aloud to my Dad.
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