I’m No Action Hero  

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Scene 1:

You’re in downtown Chicago in August. The sidewalk ripples under 100 degree heat. You’re walking briskly. Your children are far behind you, they can’t seem to catch up. The traffic light changes to yellow. You sprint, leaving the kids behind.

Reality:

You are on your way to an architectural boat tour. You are a half hour early. There is no reason to hurry.

Watching my Dad sprint across Michigan Avenue last week, I had a revelation: I am living my whole life like this. As though I am in an action movie: everything is at stake; there is no safety. For example:

Scene 2:

It is August 8th. You are not sure how you are going to be a successful teacher this year. How you will develop rapport with kids and write the curriculum that makes them fall in love with chemistry and care for the environment. You call yourself lazy that you haven’t gotten anything done yet.

Reality:

You still have time. It’s summer, silly.

But the action-hero mindset is more toxic than a constant sense of urgency. Every Marvel movie requires both a hero and a villain. I know my flaws. I suspect I am a villain trying to fit into a too-small hero’s costume. Just like when:

Scene 3:

You text a friend to hang out. You obsess over the words to say, wanting to appear casual, not-too-needy. Waiting for a reply fills you with dread: this will be the time they discover that you are too lazy, too selfish, too ugly, too dumb to be worth their time.

Reality:

Maybe they want to see you, maybe they don’t. You’re okay either way.

The scenes of struggle continue, contriving unnecessary drama at every moment of the day. I always feel like I am one step away from being found out, from being too late, from failing too big to recover.

I am reading a book about Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The premise: to stop the cycling of suffering you need both radical acceptance and a change of behavior. I’m working on the radical acceptance part: spending just a week with a family shows me that a lot of anxiety is wired in my DNA, and past traumas don’t help. I accept that the struggle is real and it’s hard. But to move forward, I need to change my behavior. To stop trying to squeeze into a costume.  

Of all things, it is The Avengers: Infinity War that may help me move forward. While exerting valiant effort, a hero suddenly disappears, never to be seen again. The drama that was so important at the time was lost with their existence.

It was a silly movie, but it gives perspective. The challenges that cause me so much anxiety: from attempting to write a novel, to climb a mountain, or to just call a friend, they are not the determinant of me. If I were to disappear into the wind, whatever success I attempted to gain don’t matter much in the long run. I don’t want to be so focused on challenges that I lose the ability to enjoy to my life. I am ready to wear the clothes of an ordinary person.

I am no action hero.